I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
