Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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