Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
