thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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