One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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