I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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