Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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