My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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