Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
