He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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