Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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