Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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