I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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