just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
