i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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