I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
