I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
my poor anus
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
