between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
