Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
