I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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