I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
