He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
