She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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