The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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