so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
