I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
