I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
