Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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