Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
