I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
