how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
