but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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