clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
