my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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