dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
