i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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