You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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