Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
