My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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