Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
