i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
