Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
