True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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