apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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