I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
