so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
