dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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