So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
