The maid of honor just puked.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
