Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Randomize
