she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
