i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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