So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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