I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
