the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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