Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
